This could be my 10th blog or my 100th online account. Yes, you can easily google me. But this year, I promise this will be a better blog, something that would really reflect what I think and not just what I feel as compared to all my blogs before. My tumblr is too commercialized. It doesn't really reflect who I am. And I'm sick of reblogging unnecessary stuff that I find interesting just so that I could gain more followers. After all, tumblr is all about following something. The more followers, the better. Well, I'm not saying I don't like it when the number of my followers rises because it kinda is flattering, if you think about it, because they think your blog is interesting or at least, amusing, even if they don't know who you are. But, like I said, it doesn't mean they like you. It just means your blog is pretty or they just need to follow someone just to fill up their dashboard with funny things. They don't know you. And I don't think they're interested.
This blog won't be so much about what happened today or what I feel right now. It would, I hope, be more on what I think because honestly, my mind is not given so much justice because I've been so scared. I'm scared people would think I'm stupid or my thoughts are not valid or legit. But I've always wanted a blog that reflects what I think, and well, it would never be reality if I don't start and if I stop being scared. So this 2011, I will stop being scared. To hell about what other people would think. They can't be too smart, anyway.
So basically, I want to be apathetic of what others think of me from now on. I don't write new year's resolutions because I don't do them anyway or maybe I guess it's because I believe change happens when it wants to happen so why bother, but this year, I really think there should be conscious effort from me to live life as if no one's judgmental, as if I'm alone in this world. I just really hate it when I have to look at every move because "we all live in a society and every move you make will affect it". Honestly, I can't say it's bullshit, because I do believe it's real, although the whole system, for me, is so fucked up. But so what if I live in society? Okay, so my actions will affect it, but what if my actions won't hurt anyone anyway? Then just leave me alone, right?
Trying to please everyone is trying to conform to society. But, I hate conforming. There's always this pressure that you have to be like everyone else because it's what's normal. But screw it. This isn't because of that teenage angst I might still have. I'm not a teenager anymore, and I know my theories well enough to understand how society works. And it's not about rebelling against parents, like what teenagers normally do. I dwell in society with that deep longing for change that I know would happen only if society is destroyed or overhauled. But there's a goodness in the system, so I thrive in it, even in its fatal defects.
I may be biting the hands that feed me when I say that society is deformed because it was in society, in those who knew about its defects, that I knew its dark side. I am fully aware that I'm confusing you here. I may sound very inconsistent; however, there are few consistencies in this society, and therefore, in how I live, so I should manifest it, too. But my convictions are a work in progress, so there would surely be a lot of inconsistencies. After perfecting such beliefs, I will surely be able to tell you of things precise things. It's only the start of the year anyway. Like I said, change will come when it wants to come.
Here's to a hopefully good start. I am, after all, a frustrated writer. I hope this blog will ease the frustrations.
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